Warning: This article contains discussions around eating disorders some readers may find upsetting
This is an article that I have been wanting to write for a very long time but have personally struggled to find a way to talk about this subject; with it being one that is very difficult to tackle from a neutral standpoint. So instead I have decided to talk about my experience, in the hope that anyone reading this understands that you are not alone. What I am about to discuss is frighteningly common in sport but with the right support, you can and will get through it.
Anorexia – it’s a big word. For most people, it concerns anyone who has any form of eating disorder and can have a lot of negative connotations attached. It is poorly understood in society and often even more poorly dealt-with. From my standpoint, rowing is not the only sport that struggles with eating disorders but the issue seems to be more acute in our community.
There are a lot of reasons why someone can become anorexic; it can be linked to body dysmorphia, pressure to loose weight from coaches, family, friends or colleagues, fat-shaming. For me, it was a lack of control in the rest of my life. I felt out of control of my own body, mind and decisions. I couldn’t think, get out of bed or concentrate on anything let alone rowing at at an intense level. I felt inadequate in my own skin and I felt like the only thing that I could control was what I ate. And so, the slippery slope began.
Simultaneously, I experienced a relatively traumatic event that threw me into a dark place and brought about the onset of mild anxiety, to the point where I would wake up during the night with my stomach in spasm, only for it to stop hours later. After dozing for two hours I would wake up again and be unable to eat breakfast. Sometimes this would prevent me from eating at all, going through an entire day eating nothing before an afternoon of training. This would happen for days at a time, with mealtimes shrouded in anxiety. My eating was beginning to affect all aspects of my life. All the while I was expected to turn up and train,. Due to the early start and late ending of some of my sessions, I would often go straight to lunch or skip the entire meal morning/early afternoon eating period and wait until dinner. The lack of energy, exacerbated by my anxiety, led me through a downwards cycle that showed no sign of abating. To make matters worse, I was was going through all of this whilst trying to return to a sport that had put me in hospital a year earlier.
Like all serious illnesses, it reached a breaking point where even the support I was offered by people around me did not feel like enough to cope with the struggle of combating the issue. I felt as if I was at a loose end and saw little to no point in continuing.
Fortunately for me, one key person intervened and slowly helped me to reverse the vicious cycle which had trapped me for so long. Off the back of this gradual process, I was offered the foundations to re-build the life anorexia had taken from me. Since October I am totally transformed and feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by my friends and family. It is no exaggeration to suggest that these people not only helped me become a better, more secure and stable person but, on more than one occasion, they saved my life.
To solve an issue like an eating disorder, you have to start the hard way. The toughest aspect of anorexia is understanding and admitting that you have a problem; most people perceive this new-found control as a positive and see no issue with new, often arbitrary, restrictions and punishments which are inevitably killing them (not only physically but emotionally, mentally and socially).
Once you have stepped onto the path of self-awareness, the next thing to do is to ask for help. This requires not only recognition of the problem but immense bravery. It will involve you having to press pause and get help without distractions. I got a therapist very early on, and for me a therapist isn’t someone that “fixes” you. It is someone who helps you piece together the parts that you are missing or help you understand things that you haven’t understood before. A therapist’s role is to unlock the meaning behind events and behaviours that dictate the rhythm of your life. They give you the tools to help yourself. They can’t fix you – you are the only person that can do that, and you have to make a conscious choice.
What I am about to say might be difficult for some to process, particularly in a sport that demands so much both physically and mentally. You need to slow down and lessen activities that might be contributing to your state of mind. Sport is only good for you if it gives you something positive in return. If you are struggling with anorexia or any related eating disorder, training can be difficult and, often, can worsen the issue. You will be running on lower amounts of energy and it will make day-to-day life difficult and delay your recovery. Quitting a sport that is integral to your life can also hurt, so just slow down. Reduce the intensity, cross-train or decrease the number of sessions you’re undertaking. Keep something consistent and work on finding another form of control; try to exercise control in other aspects of your life, like your work-out regime, and understand that by controlling this, you are in control of yourself. Retain the people and pursuits that give you energy and keep you grounded.
It’s also important to recognise and accept that control simply is not always possible and by stepping back and acknowledging that fact, you can move forward unburdened by the false perception that all aspects of your life must be run centrally and without wavering.
Another challenge is to repeat healthy processes. Accepting that some days will be better and some days will be worse and that the journey is not linear is part of the healing process. In order to walk the road to recovery, standing up and going about your life as best you can is critical. Eat, work, exercise, talk, socialise – do what you can and, in the spirit of rowing, keep an eye out for the marginal gains.
One vital aspect is to keep talking about your problem. You will always be vulnerable so keep the dialogue going. Inform people, educate and change perceptions and, most importantly, raise any specific support mechanisms that you want from those around you. Phrasing your problem in the past tense to create a sense of achievement and holding yourself accountable are chances to reflect on your progress.
My last word is that you do not need to reduce the amount you eat to be in control. You can be in control of yourself, be your worst critic, best supporter and closest friend all tied into one healthy balance without resorting to limiting intake of and engagement with the fundamentals in life.
I hope if you are reading this and are going through a similar problem, you can understand that things will change and that you will find balance. Eating disorders are a glaring problem in the rowing world and it is time more of us stood up and discussed the issue. I hope that one day we will be able to talk about these problems openly and the stigma will disappear – the path to a solution is never as long or as complex as you first think. I saw a study recently that suggested a lot of athletes suffer from issues regarding intake of food, body image or high levels of anxiety. Until we start talking and solving together as a community, these issues will get more commonplace and more severe.
I have attached some links below that may help, and I am also willing to talk about it if anyone wants to reach out to me. If you need to talk to someone immediately (you don’t need to be in an emergency to call them so if in doubt, call).
Samaritans- 116 123
Beat – https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
Mind – https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/useful-contacts/
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